New Blog...

For those that have been following (thank you!) I have created a new spot to post! I wanted to keep my stories pertaining to my US journey kinda sacred. My new blog is called "Wonder and Wander" found at takeawrongturn.blogspot.com

Funny The Way It Is...

So I’ve been told I’m supposed to do a wrap up blog…like a ‘now that I’m home I’m doing__ _(fill in the blank)” well if that was the blog it would end here because I’m doing nothing. I am simply recovering. Yes, its been a solid month or so but gosh, I can’t seem to get it all straight.

I think that’s the problem, I’m always trying to ‘figure it out’ and I can’t help but feel like Gods up there laughin his ass off cause  “jokes on you, there are no answers!”

But I was actually reminded today by a career counselor (yes, I need professional help) that while circumstances change, things shift and new questions arise….there are some capital T truths that stay the same. It was illustrated in the fact that I met with this man last year and the careers I was interested in and the things I said then could not have been more different from what I articulated about life and possible careers now. BUT… who God is in my life has stayed the same…the center of the spokes, the thing that holds everything else together, constant.

I traveled around for 6 months, stayed in 25 different states, ate hundreds of thousands of extra “vacation” calories, met loads of new people, walked lord knows how many miles, spent way too much money and drank more coffee than the average human should. And yet while EVERYTHING changed…NOTHING changed. The center of my life, the ONLY sure thing I know to be one thousand percent true is this...

Jesus loves me.

When that is theTruth at the center of all my crazy, “unadult”, adventurous spokes…I know they have to lead somewhere cool. But I'm done trying to figure it all out (and by done trying I mean I will probably still try but have moments of sanity where I remember this blog and remember to stop trying!)

That’s all I got.

(Feels like I coulda learned that lesson without putting 30,000 miles on my car, haha! Funny the way it is.)

Ponderings...

Wanna know what I've prayed for most since I left Seattle?
I know the correct answer is safety...but no, I find myself on my knees asking God to make me 'simple minded,' easily pleased....ok with half truths, satisfied with the answer, 'that's just the way things are.'
My mind and my heart, they never stop.
answers only lead to more questions.

It's a beautiful thing, it makes my world poetically awful and haunted. It challenges me to do more, be more, say more, love more. It brings me to my knees. It motivates me to move. It surrounds every relationship I have with this invisible shield of authenticity.

but it's exhausting.
and often...unrealistic.

My friend, whom shall not be named (although the story of our friendship is one of my favorites to tell..one of those unlikey cat/dog type things) well anyways, he's quite literally the most opposite person I know from myself...from how we look, to how we talk to how we think. He's a realist. He's not into the having or sharing of feelings. And while we often get into heated arguments, that (lets be real) stem from me thinking there is a better way (mine) of doing things, the truth is, I often envy him. He doesn't live in a dream world like I do where everything is possible and you can achieve your dreams if you just try hard enough...where jerk drug dealers can be best friends, a world where the gaps between people, no matter how big, can always be bridged, a world where I look pretty when I cry. I romanticize EVERYTHING. I believe it's what makes me me.

I was reading Anne Lamott's newest publish "stitches" (confession: I couldn't afford to buy the book so I visited Barnes and Noble periodically to read it piece by piece) Other than the fact that she's my idol, I also believe she's a kindred spirit. Everything she writes to describe herself I find myself thinking "me too!" I wrote this excerpt down in my journal:

"I had to learn to be present with out paying quite so much attention to my own poor old over ramped mind because this was the source of most of my unhappiness. And it still is."
holy shit...she's got it. that's me! She found a way to articulate it in 2 sentences, something I've been trying to pinpoint for years now. It's helpful to read the whole chapter, in fact the whole book, otherwise that passage just sounds morbid (and doesn't actually make a ton of sense), but basically she's figured out, like me, that you can't un-see or un-experience anything. And  that pieces of you stay with the people, places and times you fall in love with (even if it's the hate kinda love). In this sense maybe it's better to experience and see less...maybe ignorance really is bliss.

I have to learn that sometimes its OK to just let things be what they are..that often it's the only way they can be. What I've been challenged with most on this trip is how do you let go of some of those nearly impossible, unrealistic goals and still remain true to the spirit that burns within you?
Good god, I have no idea.
I feel I will continue to be challenged with this for the rest of my life.

Welcome to Warshington

I  rolled into Spokane (naked!) (see previous post!) and had this inkling to just keep driving. I felt so close to the finish line, why not just push through? But was so glad that I stuck to the plan because I got to stay with good family friends that totally spoiled me...like we had cinnamon rolls with dinner, how cool is that?!?


Anyways, I woke up feeling totally refreshed. Plus it was sunny and I had nothing to do so I got to have a slow morning. I pulled a chair up to the window with a cup of coffee and a book and just basked in the morning. I left feeling energized and re-charged to continue to be present in what I was doing. Just because I was in Washington doesn't mean I was finished. (but funny how I have a tendency to cut corners). Before I left Spokane I stopped in to see my Grandpa and his wife and was luckily to have the topic of my car come up because I hadn't checked the oil in awhile and me and my gramps ended up gettin some good time in while rummaging through his huge garage for oil!

me and gramps!

When I left Spokane I had the opportunity to take the scenic route home and stay with friends in Leavenworth. Again, at first I was kinda antsy to get home but the friends that I have in Leavenworth are like those life-long, they understand my soul, we could sit in a room together and be completely silent type friends and I felt it appropriate to end on that kind of note. So the first night I stayed with my friend Chris (a friend since middle school!) We baked brownies, walked around town, played outside, took an afternoon nap in the sun....just had a grand ole time! Then we went to a brewery where he met up with his friends, and I met up with mine so we all ended hanging out for awhile (it is one of my favorite phenomena, when worlds collide!) Then we split ways and I left with my girlfriends and stayed a night in Cashmere. Those last few days were just solid. Filled with rays of sunshine and rays of peace. I was not the least bit 'on' and got to be completely open and raw about the trip; which parts transformed me, which haunted me, which moved me, which angered me et cetera. It felt good to sort through some of it before getting home and being bombarded by friends and family (all good stuff, but usually just usually a little overwhelming!) I felt like I left Leavenworth with a handle on all of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, things continue to be revealed to me daily (and probably will continue to) but for now...I got a little bit of a grasp.

me and chris after and during our nap time!

Nakey

I had the opportunity to check something off my bucket list when I left Missoula. I had wanted to drive through a state naked. Granted, I could have accomplished this in any state, but with the route I was going, the drive across Idaho would only be about an hour and I felt like that was more do-able than the long haul across Nebraska...So please don't judge me (or do) but I did it!!!

craziest, funniest (coldest) drive yet! I'm kinda wising I would have done it for all my long drives because the adrenaline made it go by SO fast. Just had to share life on the road with you all...

Grace like Rain...

I'm a little behind, I've gotten swept up in the excitement of it all.

Let me get ya up to date. I left Sheridan and drove to Missoula to stay with a dear family friend Cara. She's actually more like a sister so you can imagine how nice it was to be around someone who I didn't really have to explain myself to or impress in any form or fashion. (or in the form of fashion...I wore sweats the whole time I was there!) At one point she was asking how the trip was going and what some of the more frustrating aspects have been. After thinking about it for awhile I explained that basically I have hated being the source of strain or bother with people over the last 5 months. Like I hate when people move things around to accommodate me or when they buy something special to have at the house...I would rather them do their EXACT daily routine even if it meant me and being a little less comfortable. But the more we talked the more I realized how deep those stems went. I don't like being a bother turned into 'I care what people think' which turned into 'it's hard to let people love me' which inherently means its hard for me to receive. (turns out, like most things, it wasn't a problem with other people...it was internal).

A couple years back my brother actually called me out on this. He had given me a gift and I went out to give him one in return. His reaction wasn't what I expected...he was almost mad. "Kate, I didn't give you a gift so that you'd give me one back...in fact in that sense you're totally robbing me of my gift. Sometimes you just gotta receive it and then the best thing you can do is just say thank you....and really mean it!" There was a ton of wisdom packed into what he had said and man, that little speech has haunted me for the last few years. It has been especially present on this trip. Receiving from others was not merely a means of comfort or fun over the last few months, it's been the means of SURVIVAL!

This trip has basically been a very tangible way for God to give his love. It's felt as if God is pouring grace over my body like rain during a torrential downpour, overwhelmingly so, so that it feels like I'm almost drowning. He must have known that he had to go to that extent; that this was such a weak spot for me that he had to drown me in it. He didn't want to risk me not understanding, me not seeing and recognizing and feeling that he loves me, that he is for me, that he is with me. He didn't want me to escape unscathed...he wanted the droplets to touch EVERY surface of my being! You'd think in a torrential downpour that wouldn't take long, but turns out I can be pretty stubborn sometimes, convinced that I need my galoshes, raincoat, poncho, umbrella...refusing to get wet.

But as I've traveled from place to place and I seemed to be hit with that same stormy gust of grace (all the people who've prayed for me, hosted me, fed me or connected me) the droplets found a way to touch my skin, regardless of how many layers or barriers I put up. I still have the hardest time receiving, but God's persistence in giving seems to overshadow that weakness lately.
Hallelujah.Grace like rain falls down on me.

Windows

I left Colorado and drove to Sheridan Wyoming. (I gotta admit the drives across the mid-west have definitely had their pretty moments but have also been the most miserable!) I stayed with my sister-in-law's friend Katie and her husband Gene.
Sheridan has that small town feel, rode in on my civic hybrid feeling like that big city woman, everyone seemed to be starring!  I walk into their home and the basement (Katie has nicknamed it the "death room") is full of furs and stuffed deer heads. (a little different hobbies in the mid west than we have in Seattle!) Later that night we went to one of their friends houses for dinner and a couple rounds of pool. We were home by 11 and got settled in. Life seemed to move slower here, and I kinda liked it. (Not to mention Katie and Gene were hilarious and so sweet to me, so that could have been part of it!)

I woke up to Gene and Katie knockin out some window in their kitchen (and sharin some expletives, haha) And I don't know why I was so impressed, but I loved how Gene went about it. He's definitely talented and knows his way around the tool shed, but he's not a professional. Thought it was cool how he kinda just got after it, startin tearin things apart and then when he ran into a problem, like the siding on the house being in the way, or the dry wall in the kitchen, or the measurements being a bit off, he took it one step at a time.

It's cliche and obvious but it was a good reminder to continue to get after things, to not let my lack or experience or fear of doing it wrong get in the way or paralyze me. Recently a friend said something like, "It's so much easier for God to move people that are already moving." Which seems to make sense..not that God's ways should be easily translatable into simple scientific terms, but its basically pure physics. How much harder is it to move something when you have no momentum? It was a call to continue to move, even when I don't know what's next (or even when what's next is more problems).

After I had left I got a text from Gene and Katie with a picture of their new window...you would never know by looking at it how much work went into it or that it all didn't go according to plan or that there may or may not have been some jimmy-rigging in the process, but man oh man, it was a good lookin window!