Let me get ya up to date. I left Sheridan and drove to Missoula to stay with a dear family friend Cara. She's actually more like a sister so you can imagine how nice it was to be around someone who I didn't really have to explain myself to or impress in any form or fashion. (or in the form of fashion...I wore sweats the whole time I was there!) At one point she was asking how the trip was going and what some of the more frustrating aspects have been. After thinking about it for awhile I explained that basically I have hated being the source of strain or bother with people over the last 5 months. Like I hate when people move things around to accommodate me or when they buy something special to have at the house...I would rather them do their EXACT daily routine even if it meant me and being a little less comfortable. But the more we talked the more I realized how deep those stems went. I don't like being a bother turned into 'I care what people think' which turned into 'it's hard to let people love me' which inherently means its hard for me to receive. (turns out, like most things, it wasn't a problem with other people...it was internal).A couple years back my brother actually called me out on this. He had given me a gift and I went out to give him one in return. His reaction wasn't what I expected...he was almost mad. "Kate, I didn't give you a gift so that you'd give me one back...in fact in that sense you're totally robbing me of my gift. Sometimes you just gotta receive it and then the best thing you can do is just say thank you....and really mean it!" There was a ton of wisdom packed into what he had said and man, that little speech has haunted me for the last few years. It has been especially present on this trip. Receiving from others was not merely a means of comfort or fun over the last few months, it's been the means of SURVIVAL!
This trip has basically been a very tangible way for God to give his love. It's felt as if God is pouring grace over my body like rain during a torrential downpour, overwhelmingly so, so that it feels like I'm almost drowning. He must have known that he had to go to that extent; that this was such a weak spot for me that he had to drown me in it. He didn't want to risk me not understanding, me not seeing and recognizing and feeling that he loves me, that he is for me, that he is with me. He didn't want me to escape unscathed...he wanted the droplets to touch EVERY surface of my being! You'd think in a torrential downpour that wouldn't take long, but turns out I can be pretty stubborn sometimes, convinced that I need my galoshes, raincoat, poncho, umbrella...refusing to get wet.
But as I've traveled from place to place and I seemed to be hit with that same stormy gust of grace (all the people who've prayed for me, hosted me, fed me or connected me) the droplets found a way to touch my skin, regardless of how many layers or barriers I put up. I still have the hardest time receiving, but God's persistence in giving seems to overshadow that weakness lately.
Hallelujah.Grace like rain falls down on me.
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