I'm Comin Home, I'm Comin Home...Tell the World that I'm Comin Home!

I'm comin home for the holidays! (In fact I'm sitting in the Denver airport right now!)
I wasn't sure for the longest time if I should make the trip...not that there was an ounce of me that wouldn't enjoy it, on the contrary, I was afraid that I would love it so much that I wouldn't want to leave. The solution is pretty simple, my car is in Nashville still so at the very least I have to come back and get it.

Its weird that 'home' is not my destination but rather a pit stop or vacation. I don't know when that changed, but I'm not sure I like it.

It is comforting to know that by tonight I will be in my OWN bed (and by my own bed I mean snuggled up in my sisters bed with her!) but I will have all my things in one place, cupboards that I can open whenever I want and grab food out of, and my mom will come brush my hair with her fingers as I fall asleep (no, I'm not too old for that!) and my dad will come into my room in the morning before I'm up and shake me awake...I'll complain and then fall back asleep. I'm convinced that that's when you know you're home...when you love even the things you hate.

just singin with my friend Blake Shelton

ALEX!!!

Matching (reversed matching) Christmas coats!

Me and Callie's day date at Barnes and Noble

Nashville

My mind wants to have themes for these blogs but everything I want to fill you in on is random. New found friends, good coffee, great conversations et cetera. If I tried to rack my brain for ways to make them all fit into a nice little story it would never get written, so I'm just gonna write out a few highlights and revelations.

First, I have found a new friend. Callie is someone I've "known" my whole life. Her extended family are our family friends so I get to see her randomly at parties, graduations and the like. She was also involved in Young Life in college so we tended to run in the same circle and our paths crossed that way a few times. Well, she up and moved to Nashville a few months ago and so when I was looking for a place to stay her name came up! All I can say is- "instant friend". After spending a solid 5 minutes trying to put on our best we quickly learned that neither of us excel in small talk that we are in fact kindred spirits. We have spent almost every waking moment together (except for when she works...not everyone has the luxury of being a bum like me!) We hit a lot of coffee joints, putz around cute shops, read at bookstores, take long walks, scout out future husbands and start conversations with strangers. It has been a wave of refreshment. I have not only gotten to be totally myself but have had a friend enter into my "selfness" with me, haha! It's a rare and special gift. And it came at a much needed time. I will be flying home for Christmas. You'd think the closer it gets the more excited I'd be...and I am, but it's like an anxious excitement, I just want to be there already which sometimes makes it difficult to be present in places/spaces that I am. But having Callie around has made this week so fun...made my heart feel light.

Second, I continue to make more random connections. My good friend Kevin has a friend Tyler who came to visit from D.C. a while back and I got to meet him. After finding out that our book souls are the same we embarked on an inevitable friendship. Tyler and Kev went to school in Knoxville at UT and thus have friends all over the surrounding area. So when Tyler heard I would be driving through he took it upon himself to make sure I had people to hang out and stay with. I stayed with his friends in Memphis (the kinda people you feel instantly comfortable with...shown in the fact that I practically shared my whole life story within the first few hours of being there! TMI!!!) And now I'm staying with another couple he knows, Kristen and Shane, in East Nashville...it has been such a calming place to be. They are never on the run out or in, their house is warm and cozy...makes me spirit feel like it's wrapped in a sleeping bag, drinking cocoa! And last night I got to meet up with 2 of his guy friends, Carl and Brent, for dinner at a great little sports bar. So fun to just hang with the fellas, watch the game, eat a burger...ya know?

More often than not during this trip I'm engaged in some kind of deep thought or conversation so it was so good to just sit and talk shop. Although you know me, I had to dig deep at one point during the night and it ended up being a great conversation on Grace. Brent was explaining the 'theme' of his life up until this point and it was his call to be a Grace-giver. He explained that when you sign up to follow Jesus you not only receive grace, you are placed with the opportunity...the duty, to also give it! He said something that has continued to challenge me. He said something along the lines of:  "As good as accountability can be...to have people to call you out, hold you to a certain standard...I think we lack people that extend grace and understanding." My mom and I had a similar conversation awhile back and so this notion of Grace....extending and receiving, has been heavy on my heart.
Anyways, how cool that for the last few weeks, extending back to Memphis, I have had shelter, food, support, conversation and friends that all stem from my relationship with Tyler?!? That is pretty dang neat!

Last few highlights...great coffee here (probably have a cup or 2 too many each day)! Also...fried pickles dipped in ranch are the shit! Lastly, it's celeb central and I plan on finding a cast member from 'Nashville' to marry. (Saw Will Lexington (don't know his real name) the other day at lunch...so its possible...maybe...cross your fingers for me!)

253 Friends

YES....this is yet another random connection story.
I was in Memphis, posted up at Starbucks.
I got a call from a friend and proceeded to chat for a good 10 mins when I realized the girl to my left trying to study...she probably wanted to shoot me! When I hung up I looked over and gave her a little smile as if to say "I'm sorry I'm that girl...please forgive me, it wont happen again."
She smiled back at which point I decided I should say something...but all I could think to say was, "that's a large book ya got there!" (wow, how astute!)
"Ya...it's not very fun!" then she said somethin about anesthesiology and other various anatomy terms (and as familiar as I am with the medical world, her vocabulary was way beyond me).
But low and behold a conversation started. I asked where she was takin classes, what she was hopin to do with her degree et cetera...then I asked if she had always lived in Memphis at which point I learned that she had lived in TACOMA for a year...craziness! and not only that, she lived on Sheridan (the street I grew up on!) Are you freaking kidding me!
Not sure if she was a guardian angel or just a reminder that we are all more connected than we could ever imagine. Either way, I left grateful! (and wanting to chant 253 with my fist pumping...don't worry, I refrained).

Memphis Nights

I have gotten to be in Memphis the last few nights, again, through random connections with what turn out to be the nicest, kindest people! The only person who I knew lived in Memphis was an old friend from Jackson State, Alton (and I would have asked to stay with him except I hadn't seen him in 3 years and didn't know his living situation. Plus staying with guys is just a little bit trickier, ya know?!?)

Anyways, I contacted him to see if we could at least meet and catch up.
When we finally got to talk on the phone it felt like no time had passed, he answered "KATIEEEEEEEEEEEE" he sounded the exact same!

We decided to grab a drink after he got off work. When the time rolled around I texted him to ask if he wanted me to meet him somewhere but he told me he was already on his way to pick me up. When I walked outside he got out and opened my door (oh ya, that's right, the South has those things called gentleman!)
It was weird, first, because I'm not used to it and second because the Alton I went to school with was NOT this Alton. But I quickly caught on that this wasn't just for show, somewhere along the last 3 years he had had a heart change. He had left Jackson soon after me and returned to Memphis. He told me that he started takin school seriously, started getting involved with his church and community and decided he was going to smile more! (It sounds small, but as he shared his story with me I can't describe how evident God's fingerprints were...all over his life. I'm tellin you, this man is goin places!)

Anyways, when he dropped me off, he got out (and opened my door of course!)[guys take notes!] We had a good long hug and then just as we were about to part ways he asked if he could pray for me. It was dark and freezing, but we stood in the drive way, holding hands as he prayed words of encouragement and affirmation over me. I teared up as my mind filled with snapshots of when we were at school together. We would never do anything necessarily "bad" but we weren't our best selves in the least bit. And  now we're standing in the freezing quiet of night, holding hands, praying! you cannot make this stuff up...

Jackson Pics

me and Latasha!!!

E&L's...best BBQ in the world!!!

Flip Sides

Has anyone had those Ritz “flipsides?” they’re like half cracker, half pretzel…oh man, let me tell ya- its crunchy, salty goodness! Well lately I think about those things a lot because it’s amazing how many flip-sides seem to occur in life; you see one side of a situation, person, circumstance, then BOOM, it’s not a  cracker, it’s a pretzel!

So basically right now I’m struggling with this idea of perspective (as reflected in my last post). It's kinda frustrating that there always seems to be another side to everything. I can make equally convincing arguments to myself about all kinds of matters. Theological (I.e. you should always go to church…focus on the discipline of it versus it’s ok if you don’t, if your body/mind need rest and you need more intimate time with Jesus you can skip! Emotional (don’t use people to fill emotional needs versus god puts people in our lives for seasons and maybe he places someone in your life to help you carry your burden). Physical (you should run every day versus your body needs rest). Personality traits (being so present in what you are doing is a good thing versus when you are too present other important matters fall away, you can forget about other duties and responsibilities). None of these examples are ones I particularly struggle with, but you can see what I’m talking about…hopefully.

It’s been really evident in my trip to Jackson…the dichotomies of life.

I attended JSU  3 years ago. I didn’t have a car so I pretty much stayed within a 10 block radius…school, grocery store and coffee shops were all in walking distance. The surrounding area is what one might call “rough.” Robinson road, the road I lived on, is notorious for shootings and jumpings, the homes are scattered with dilapidated, abandoned, broken down houses, lots of low rollin cars and drug deals. This is all I knew of Jackson, like I said, I never traveled much out of JSU boundaries. But NOW, I have a car and have been able to explore the city. If you travel a little north of Jackson on State Street you hit the Fondren district (which is comparable to say Wallingford or Ballard in Seattle…hipster coffee drinkers with tight pants and fake glasses.) I am staying with a family (a white family, haha) around that area. The kids attended private school, the son owns like 8 guns and is big into hunting, they live in a nice (but not annoyingly so) home. Anyways, so you can see how different the experiences have been thus far. I am making it sound like everyone in the JSU area is scary, mean and sketchy and those in Fondren are pretentious and snobby. Well this is NOT TRUE, I am simply describing what I see. And yes, this split in the city does not only happen in Jackson, it’s everywhere, but it’s been so fascinating for me to only drive through and see it, but be able to have experiences on both sides.

The family I’m staying with is AMAZING (to say the least!) I met their daughter, Casey, in Kenya last summer. She was at Pepperdine, I was at UW but we both ended up at the Rafiki Village orphanage through a program with our college ministries. When I first found out she was from Jackson I just about cried, a response, she admitted, she had never witnessed. I had to explain that Jackson itself isn’t particularly special, but that it was near and dear to me because of the experiences I had there. Anyways, fast forward to now:  she heard I was traveling and that I would be in the area. She wrote me a message that she is overseas but that her family would love to have me. I’ll admit, I was a little skeptical. But the moment I walked into their home, all worries subsided. They reminded me SO much of my own family. The mom, is so warm and inviting. The dad is hilarious, but not overtly…he throws in funny phrases and one liners here and there (gotten a snort or 2 outta me!) and their son, Ross, is the cool, smooth 16 year old boy that knows most things about most things! (He’s also given me a lesson or two on the art of hunting). Friday night we ordered pizza and watched a movie as we snuggled up on the couch. As I thought about what the snap shot might look like I was touched…who woulda thought that my week long encounter with Casey in Kenya would have led to nearly a week long stay with her family? (I really should stop being surprised by the random ways God brings people into my life...but I can't help it, continue to be in awe!)

I've gotten off topic..oh right,flip-sides. SOOO, while I've been here they are having some remodeling done and the painters are black. Naturally, I was curious to see if I could get some time with them. Right before I left I was able to stop Ben, an older man with tinted glasses...so cute! (Some of you know I have a thing for older men. Not older like handsome, grey fox, George Clooney types, older as in the ones that hunch over and wear sweater vests and pull their pants up near their nipples!) Well Ben isn't there yet, but he's well on his way! Anyways, we talked for a solid 30 minutes during which I was reminded of those damn flip sides! If I am the cracker side (pun intended) he is most certainly the pretzel.  He shared his experience as a black man during and prior to the civil rights movement...stories of discrimination and hatred. He told me he worked in a paint store,was the only black employee, worked the hardest, longest hours, was called names,and was paid the least (by a lot!) At one point he had to stop and gather himself...tears rolled down my cheek. I am NOT a pretzel and I will never experience that...EVER. But gosh,there is something beautiful when you mix a cracker and a pretzel..it's a whole new flavor. Totally different...yet perhaps meant to be together.

Mountains

As I spent some time praying this morning I was reminded of the importance of perspective. I felt like I was just whining, regurgitating the negatives of the recent past…focusing on the Mountains …NOT the mountain mover. I was reminded of my internship last year with University Presbyterian Church and the team I got to work with. At one of our Thursday morning meetings (a 2 hour meeting to cover 15 minutes worth of business...some of my most favorite times) we dissected the discipline of prayer and this idea of shifting focus.

It seems like such a "duh" idea...why hadn't I thought about it before? It makes so much sense. If I am weak and insecure and fragile…prone to screwing up and falling away, why would my perspective be the one I lean into? “Lean not on your own understanding”  right? So why pray from my perspective?

Here’s the only problem…how do I NOT lean into my own understanding?  I am and can only be me, no one else…and I most certainly can’t pretend to know what God’s perspective is. So I won’t say that by shifting my focus from the mountain, to the mountain mover I gain supernatural abilities…but I do seem to move outside of and beyond myself in a way that allows me to see with new lenses. I may not be able to be God, but I am able to get great second-hand experience of his perspective if I simply ask him for it and tap into his spirit.

This seems to be true for the whole of my life. I am not and will never be a multitude of things…another race. Another gender.  From another generation et cetera.

 “I will never be black” I remember telling my roommate Latasha (who was in fact black) a few years back as when I attended JSU, “so the closest I’ll get is if you share your perspective.”  I still believe this to be true. It’s the driving force for this trip.

Anyways, I haven't written all week because I had the opportunity of being back in Jackson Mississippi at JSU where I did a semester of school. (Those of you who know me can assume this was a hard yet exciting week!) A lot of opportunities to hear new perspectives.  As I walked around the school and surrounding area it felt so different than how I remembered it. Yes, there is new development, old store fronts bought out by new business, new fashions et cetera, but as outwardly different as it is, I believe it is I who have changed most…I am seeing it through new eyes.

I got to stay with my old roommate, Latasha for a few nights. (We tended to bring out the wildest streaks in each other..and turns out this is still true!) So many good laughs! I also got to see my old friends Elliott and Chris. (They were my saving grace while I was at school there...they looked out for me, educated me on the 'social norms' of campus and their culture, took me to wally world for shenanigans (people who don't like Wal-Mart clearly haven't been to the South!) Only the Lord knows how we've been able to maintain a friendship...we can barely understand each other, haha! Our lives seem to be SO different and yet...somewhere (it must be deep deep down) we connect! While I had such an amazing time; a  fun little vacation from my very white life, lol. And while it was SO good for my spirit to be there- to walk down old streets,to sit on my favorite bench on campus and write, to soak in the culture, the memories, the smells...it didn't hold the magic I remembered it holding. It didn't shake my world as it had 3 years ago. I have to believe this is a good thing. I'm hoping its a testament to the fact that I've grown since then, that perhaps I'm not as naive.

My new perspective in NO way means I've figured "it" out. I still have a lot to learn about myself, about people, about God...but I have learned enough to know that I will not do anything to change Jackson. (Up until a couple months ago I would tell you that I might be the one to single handedly end racism or segregation, haha). But my focus has shifted from my own abilities (which are few) to Gods overwhelmingly amazing power. I make this sound easy...but this has been YEARS worth of praying and transition. And its STILL so FLIPPIN hard. I left Jackson sobbing, trying my hardest to give it over to God, trying my hardest to believe that he will work whether I'm there or not, trying my hardest to trust.

But I know my perspective is so skewed and so far off. So I pray from your perspective God. There are so many mountains. And while I do it hesitantly...I give them to you, knowing full well you have the ability to move them. Please...please move them! Amen.