Mountains

As I spent some time praying this morning I was reminded of the importance of perspective. I felt like I was just whining, regurgitating the negatives of the recent past…focusing on the Mountains …NOT the mountain mover. I was reminded of my internship last year with University Presbyterian Church and the team I got to work with. At one of our Thursday morning meetings (a 2 hour meeting to cover 15 minutes worth of business...some of my most favorite times) we dissected the discipline of prayer and this idea of shifting focus.

It seems like such a "duh" idea...why hadn't I thought about it before? It makes so much sense. If I am weak and insecure and fragile…prone to screwing up and falling away, why would my perspective be the one I lean into? “Lean not on your own understanding”  right? So why pray from my perspective?

Here’s the only problem…how do I NOT lean into my own understanding?  I am and can only be me, no one else…and I most certainly can’t pretend to know what God’s perspective is. So I won’t say that by shifting my focus from the mountain, to the mountain mover I gain supernatural abilities…but I do seem to move outside of and beyond myself in a way that allows me to see with new lenses. I may not be able to be God, but I am able to get great second-hand experience of his perspective if I simply ask him for it and tap into his spirit.

This seems to be true for the whole of my life. I am not and will never be a multitude of things…another race. Another gender.  From another generation et cetera.

 “I will never be black” I remember telling my roommate Latasha (who was in fact black) a few years back as when I attended JSU, “so the closest I’ll get is if you share your perspective.”  I still believe this to be true. It’s the driving force for this trip.

Anyways, I haven't written all week because I had the opportunity of being back in Jackson Mississippi at JSU where I did a semester of school. (Those of you who know me can assume this was a hard yet exciting week!) A lot of opportunities to hear new perspectives.  As I walked around the school and surrounding area it felt so different than how I remembered it. Yes, there is new development, old store fronts bought out by new business, new fashions et cetera, but as outwardly different as it is, I believe it is I who have changed most…I am seeing it through new eyes.

I got to stay with my old roommate, Latasha for a few nights. (We tended to bring out the wildest streaks in each other..and turns out this is still true!) So many good laughs! I also got to see my old friends Elliott and Chris. (They were my saving grace while I was at school there...they looked out for me, educated me on the 'social norms' of campus and their culture, took me to wally world for shenanigans (people who don't like Wal-Mart clearly haven't been to the South!) Only the Lord knows how we've been able to maintain a friendship...we can barely understand each other, haha! Our lives seem to be SO different and yet...somewhere (it must be deep deep down) we connect! While I had such an amazing time; a  fun little vacation from my very white life, lol. And while it was SO good for my spirit to be there- to walk down old streets,to sit on my favorite bench on campus and write, to soak in the culture, the memories, the smells...it didn't hold the magic I remembered it holding. It didn't shake my world as it had 3 years ago. I have to believe this is a good thing. I'm hoping its a testament to the fact that I've grown since then, that perhaps I'm not as naive.

My new perspective in NO way means I've figured "it" out. I still have a lot to learn about myself, about people, about God...but I have learned enough to know that I will not do anything to change Jackson. (Up until a couple months ago I would tell you that I might be the one to single handedly end racism or segregation, haha). But my focus has shifted from my own abilities (which are few) to Gods overwhelmingly amazing power. I make this sound easy...but this has been YEARS worth of praying and transition. And its STILL so FLIPPIN hard. I left Jackson sobbing, trying my hardest to give it over to God, trying my hardest to believe that he will work whether I'm there or not, trying my hardest to trust.

But I know my perspective is so skewed and so far off. So I pray from your perspective God. There are so many mountains. And while I do it hesitantly...I give them to you, knowing full well you have the ability to move them. Please...please move them! Amen.