Ponderings...

Wanna know what I've prayed for most since I left Seattle?
I know the correct answer is safety...but no, I find myself on my knees asking God to make me 'simple minded,' easily pleased....ok with half truths, satisfied with the answer, 'that's just the way things are.'
My mind and my heart, they never stop.
answers only lead to more questions.

It's a beautiful thing, it makes my world poetically awful and haunted. It challenges me to do more, be more, say more, love more. It brings me to my knees. It motivates me to move. It surrounds every relationship I have with this invisible shield of authenticity.

but it's exhausting.
and often...unrealistic.

My friend, whom shall not be named (although the story of our friendship is one of my favorites to tell..one of those unlikey cat/dog type things) well anyways, he's quite literally the most opposite person I know from myself...from how we look, to how we talk to how we think. He's a realist. He's not into the having or sharing of feelings. And while we often get into heated arguments, that (lets be real) stem from me thinking there is a better way (mine) of doing things, the truth is, I often envy him. He doesn't live in a dream world like I do where everything is possible and you can achieve your dreams if you just try hard enough...where jerk drug dealers can be best friends, a world where the gaps between people, no matter how big, can always be bridged, a world where I look pretty when I cry. I romanticize EVERYTHING. I believe it's what makes me me.

I was reading Anne Lamott's newest publish "stitches" (confession: I couldn't afford to buy the book so I visited Barnes and Noble periodically to read it piece by piece) Other than the fact that she's my idol, I also believe she's a kindred spirit. Everything she writes to describe herself I find myself thinking "me too!" I wrote this excerpt down in my journal:

"I had to learn to be present with out paying quite so much attention to my own poor old over ramped mind because this was the source of most of my unhappiness. And it still is."
holy shit...she's got it. that's me! She found a way to articulate it in 2 sentences, something I've been trying to pinpoint for years now. It's helpful to read the whole chapter, in fact the whole book, otherwise that passage just sounds morbid (and doesn't actually make a ton of sense), but basically she's figured out, like me, that you can't un-see or un-experience anything. And  that pieces of you stay with the people, places and times you fall in love with (even if it's the hate kinda love). In this sense maybe it's better to experience and see less...maybe ignorance really is bliss.

I have to learn that sometimes its OK to just let things be what they are..that often it's the only way they can be. What I've been challenged with most on this trip is how do you let go of some of those nearly impossible, unrealistic goals and still remain true to the spirit that burns within you?
Good god, I have no idea.
I feel I will continue to be challenged with this for the rest of my life.

Welcome to Warshington

I  rolled into Spokane (naked!) (see previous post!) and had this inkling to just keep driving. I felt so close to the finish line, why not just push through? But was so glad that I stuck to the plan because I got to stay with good family friends that totally spoiled me...like we had cinnamon rolls with dinner, how cool is that?!?


Anyways, I woke up feeling totally refreshed. Plus it was sunny and I had nothing to do so I got to have a slow morning. I pulled a chair up to the window with a cup of coffee and a book and just basked in the morning. I left feeling energized and re-charged to continue to be present in what I was doing. Just because I was in Washington doesn't mean I was finished. (but funny how I have a tendency to cut corners). Before I left Spokane I stopped in to see my Grandpa and his wife and was luckily to have the topic of my car come up because I hadn't checked the oil in awhile and me and my gramps ended up gettin some good time in while rummaging through his huge garage for oil!

me and gramps!

When I left Spokane I had the opportunity to take the scenic route home and stay with friends in Leavenworth. Again, at first I was kinda antsy to get home but the friends that I have in Leavenworth are like those life-long, they understand my soul, we could sit in a room together and be completely silent type friends and I felt it appropriate to end on that kind of note. So the first night I stayed with my friend Chris (a friend since middle school!) We baked brownies, walked around town, played outside, took an afternoon nap in the sun....just had a grand ole time! Then we went to a brewery where he met up with his friends, and I met up with mine so we all ended hanging out for awhile (it is one of my favorite phenomena, when worlds collide!) Then we split ways and I left with my girlfriends and stayed a night in Cashmere. Those last few days were just solid. Filled with rays of sunshine and rays of peace. I was not the least bit 'on' and got to be completely open and raw about the trip; which parts transformed me, which haunted me, which moved me, which angered me et cetera. It felt good to sort through some of it before getting home and being bombarded by friends and family (all good stuff, but usually just usually a little overwhelming!) I felt like I left Leavenworth with a handle on all of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, things continue to be revealed to me daily (and probably will continue to) but for now...I got a little bit of a grasp.

me and chris after and during our nap time!

Nakey

I had the opportunity to check something off my bucket list when I left Missoula. I had wanted to drive through a state naked. Granted, I could have accomplished this in any state, but with the route I was going, the drive across Idaho would only be about an hour and I felt like that was more do-able than the long haul across Nebraska...So please don't judge me (or do) but I did it!!!

craziest, funniest (coldest) drive yet! I'm kinda wising I would have done it for all my long drives because the adrenaline made it go by SO fast. Just had to share life on the road with you all...

Grace like Rain...

I'm a little behind, I've gotten swept up in the excitement of it all.

Let me get ya up to date. I left Sheridan and drove to Missoula to stay with a dear family friend Cara. She's actually more like a sister so you can imagine how nice it was to be around someone who I didn't really have to explain myself to or impress in any form or fashion. (or in the form of fashion...I wore sweats the whole time I was there!) At one point she was asking how the trip was going and what some of the more frustrating aspects have been. After thinking about it for awhile I explained that basically I have hated being the source of strain or bother with people over the last 5 months. Like I hate when people move things around to accommodate me or when they buy something special to have at the house...I would rather them do their EXACT daily routine even if it meant me and being a little less comfortable. But the more we talked the more I realized how deep those stems went. I don't like being a bother turned into 'I care what people think' which turned into 'it's hard to let people love me' which inherently means its hard for me to receive. (turns out, like most things, it wasn't a problem with other people...it was internal).

A couple years back my brother actually called me out on this. He had given me a gift and I went out to give him one in return. His reaction wasn't what I expected...he was almost mad. "Kate, I didn't give you a gift so that you'd give me one back...in fact in that sense you're totally robbing me of my gift. Sometimes you just gotta receive it and then the best thing you can do is just say thank you....and really mean it!" There was a ton of wisdom packed into what he had said and man, that little speech has haunted me for the last few years. It has been especially present on this trip. Receiving from others was not merely a means of comfort or fun over the last few months, it's been the means of SURVIVAL!

This trip has basically been a very tangible way for God to give his love. It's felt as if God is pouring grace over my body like rain during a torrential downpour, overwhelmingly so, so that it feels like I'm almost drowning. He must have known that he had to go to that extent; that this was such a weak spot for me that he had to drown me in it. He didn't want to risk me not understanding, me not seeing and recognizing and feeling that he loves me, that he is for me, that he is with me. He didn't want me to escape unscathed...he wanted the droplets to touch EVERY surface of my being! You'd think in a torrential downpour that wouldn't take long, but turns out I can be pretty stubborn sometimes, convinced that I need my galoshes, raincoat, poncho, umbrella...refusing to get wet.

But as I've traveled from place to place and I seemed to be hit with that same stormy gust of grace (all the people who've prayed for me, hosted me, fed me or connected me) the droplets found a way to touch my skin, regardless of how many layers or barriers I put up. I still have the hardest time receiving, but God's persistence in giving seems to overshadow that weakness lately.
Hallelujah.Grace like rain falls down on me.

Windows

I left Colorado and drove to Sheridan Wyoming. (I gotta admit the drives across the mid-west have definitely had their pretty moments but have also been the most miserable!) I stayed with my sister-in-law's friend Katie and her husband Gene.
Sheridan has that small town feel, rode in on my civic hybrid feeling like that big city woman, everyone seemed to be starring!  I walk into their home and the basement (Katie has nicknamed it the "death room") is full of furs and stuffed deer heads. (a little different hobbies in the mid west than we have in Seattle!) Later that night we went to one of their friends houses for dinner and a couple rounds of pool. We were home by 11 and got settled in. Life seemed to move slower here, and I kinda liked it. (Not to mention Katie and Gene were hilarious and so sweet to me, so that could have been part of it!)

I woke up to Gene and Katie knockin out some window in their kitchen (and sharin some expletives, haha) And I don't know why I was so impressed, but I loved how Gene went about it. He's definitely talented and knows his way around the tool shed, but he's not a professional. Thought it was cool how he kinda just got after it, startin tearin things apart and then when he ran into a problem, like the siding on the house being in the way, or the dry wall in the kitchen, or the measurements being a bit off, he took it one step at a time.

It's cliche and obvious but it was a good reminder to continue to get after things, to not let my lack or experience or fear of doing it wrong get in the way or paralyze me. Recently a friend said something like, "It's so much easier for God to move people that are already moving." Which seems to make sense..not that God's ways should be easily translatable into simple scientific terms, but its basically pure physics. How much harder is it to move something when you have no momentum? It was a call to continue to move, even when I don't know what's next (or even when what's next is more problems).

After I had left I got a text from Gene and Katie with a picture of their new window...you would never know by looking at it how much work went into it or that it all didn't go according to plan or that there may or may not have been some jimmy-rigging in the process, but man oh man, it was a good lookin window!

Golden

Picture hanging in the Stanley Hotel

After I left Denver I spent a night in Estes Park, which, yes, is where Dumb and Dumber was filmed (the greatest movie ever made!) My friend Matt works up there so he connected me with a place to rest my noggin! Me and Matt actually met through this guy Tyler who I worked with at University Presbyterian Church last year and as life would have it, Tyler also ended up moving to Colorado this last fall ( to a city named Golden...also the home to the worlds largest brewery, Coors!) So he invited me and Matt to hang with he and his family last night. I'm trying to imagine the type of person you'd have to be to meet Tyler and NOT like him...I would say the Grinch but i'm pretty sure even he would be able to connect. Needless to say, Tylers a good dude and both Matt and I were excited to get some time in with him.

When we got there I immediately fell in love with both of his sons, Liam (4th grade) and Toby (kindergarten). At one point we were all in the car getting a small tour around town, Matt was saying something to Tyler and Toby, in the most serious, sincere way goes, "mmmmm, AMEN!" I didn't want to laugh and make him feel insecure or embarrassed, if he was feelin the spirit, I wanted him to relish in it. But GOD, was it hilarious! (and that was only one of a large handful of funny comments he made...most of the rest having to do with poop of course!)

The beautiful Estes Park

Once the boys went down, me, Tyler and Matt huddled around a fire outside for a bit. We spent a solid hour or 2 sharing funny stories, somber prayer requests, our favorite book quotes (we're all secret nerds!) and some of our most haunting questions. At one point I sat back and kinda chuckled to myself...I really don't know either of these men all that well. ( In fact to most, this evening would fall under the category of "awkward") but I couldn't help but feel like I belonged there...like I wasn't supposed to be anywhere else.

Denver

So remember Caleb from my last post, the one I hadn't met til staying at his house? The one I kinda barely know? Well I left Omaha to stay with his parents in Denver (who I also didn't know). Most people think that sounds like hell,  to bounce from place to place, and then to stay with strangers. But it's been so cool to see this chain of people unravel...to stay with the people who love my people and then to stay with the people who love them. my little literal love chain.

Anyways, Caleb's mom, Diane, is what one would call a GEM! I was so needin some mama love and she played the role flawlessly; she hugged me, fed me, prayed for me, listened to me...loved on me! By my second night there (and actually my last night) we were cuddled up on the couch, sharing popcorn and watchin a chick-flick! With the way the cards landed I only got to spend about 30 minutes with Caleb's dad, Del. My first interaction with him involved him wearing fake snaggle teeth, so you can imagine the kind of hilarious, dad type of guy he is! Needless to say I left their home feeling renewed and refreshed, but possibly more ready than ever to be home. They had done such a good job at playin "mom and dad" that all I could think about was bein with my own folks!

As lovely as it would be to be home, the drive from Denver to Seattle would be rough so I've kept my original plan to make some last few stops. Even still, I'll be home in about a week. CRAZINESS! Trying to soak it all in.

The trip from Omaha to Denver was the longest, most boring drive yet...got a little snap happy!

Omerha

Once again, God has out-done himself!
I drove into Omaha Nebraska a little anxious. I was to stay with Elli and Caleb, a young couple I had met at a Christmas party while I was home. Elli is the older sister of a dear friend of mine, so she felt a little like family and we had totally connected at the party, but we had only chatted for a half hour or so (and I was tipsy). What if she liked tipsy Kate better? What if 30 minute spurts were the key and thus having me all weekend would drive them crazy? Plus I was also just kinda curious, what the heck is there to do in Omaha Nebraska?!? the only other time I had been around that area was about 12 years ago for a family reunion in Lincoln (a snooze to say the least!).

But as I walked into their warm, vibrant home (like a pintrest page..or an anthropology magazine) I knew God had more to offer me. Elli wasn't home when I got there, but she told me to just go on in and get comfortable, so I sat on the futon and opened a book....which turned into a nap. I woke up warm, cheeks pink....sooo rested! I opened the bedroom door to find Elli scurrying around the kitchen and we just shared a long embrace. At that point I was ready to sign a lease...can I just stay forever!!! I don't know what it was, what it is...being in her presence is like drawing in a deep breathe after it's rained...clear, clean, smooth, refreshing. ANYWAYS, sat and talked for hours before realizing it was dinner time. We warmed up some soup and Caleb joined us. He's also a gem. He's studying to be a doctor...and if you've read older blogs or know me, you know I have my own unique medical history and so it was fun to talk about it with him, have him or I ask questions back and forth. In fact, it was kinda healing. The more I talk about all that stuff, especially when its not a loaded conversation where someone's crying, but just talking about it and recognizing it as a reality, the more I am able to separate myself from the grip that it often has on me.

The next day I slept in but got up and started gettin ready to head out and see the sites. I opened my door to a note Elli had left (she had to work til later that afternoon so was gone) at the end it said, "hope you have a restful day" and I thought, huh....rest! ya that sounds nice. So I got back in my jammies, made a cup of tea and curled up with a book. When Elli got back we went to a great little coffee shop downtown, where she witnessed my second melt down, haha! I've said this before but I often have all these feelings swirling around my heart and can never quite articulate them...crying is often the closest expression I can get. I was just so stinkin grateful to have her around and didn't know how to say it. Anyways, we got home and her and Caleb had an event to go to so we spent some time doin that 'girls will be girls' stuff...paintin nails, trying different lipsticks, comparing earring choices, curling hair (probably the single greatest part of being female...well that and being able to bring new life into the world...but its a close race!) When they got back we cuddled up on the couch with popcorn and watched Thor (so wish I had a snapshot of that!)

The next morning we went to church. (Forgot to mention, Elli and Caleb live in a very urban setting in N. Omaha, definitely considered the rough part of town). Anyways, I walked in and kinda welled with tears. THE COOLEST illustration of what I feel the church should look like. It was diverse in race, gender, generation, socio-economic status....EVERYTHING! Do they do everything perfect...I don't know, but probably not. But I know that I will carry their model with me as I move forward. It will be my prayer for most places and spaces that I encounter, that It look more and more like this church. (the Bridge!) AND THEN, we were invited to the pastors home afterward for lunch. He and his wife are BEAUTIFUL (like annoyingly so, haha!) I was kinda expecting that they were boring and dull or maybe even mean...I mean you can't be as stunning as they are and as spiritually sound AND be cool....but nope, I was wrong, apparently you can. They are some of the most genuine people I've met. (I mean, he pastors a church, so you'd hope that to be true but funny how rare that actually is!) It made me wish I was a millionaire and could just leave them with stacks of cash (knowing they'd put it to good use!)

Amidst a trip and travels that often lead me to dark places and discouraging realities, it was so nice to leave Omaha feeling rested, restored and encouraged. Elli, Caleb, their home, their community, their church...thank you! Thank you for reminding me that yes, there is a shit ton wrong in this world...but ya know, there's also so much right.

HighSchool Reunion

When I posted that I needed a place to stay in Iowa a few weeks back on Facebook I could have given you a list of 100 people that would be the most random connections to have write me back. But I wouldn't even have thought to write down the person who actually offered up their home. Josh Hoffman, from my glory days in High School.

Here's why it was random...we weren't really in the same group of friends. I mean our paths crossed, we shared a few classes, but I knew next to NOTHING about this guy. (so why the hell not?!? ya, staying with him for a night sounds good! hahah!)

I got in kinda late so we didn't have a ton of time to hang out that night but in the morning he made me an amazing breakfast (the egg in the toast thing..so cute!) showed me around the sites (which are few in Des Moines so it was a fairly short tour) and told me a little about his life there. As we drove around we shared funny stories from high school...like 6th period weight class where it was our friend Evan's only goal to pants this kid Chris EVERY DAY! (needless to say, I saw more private parts than I would care to that year!) And then we connected over the music he was playing, which is huge (music choice says a lot about someone!) I sat back in awe. I guess I don't know what I expected...and ya, maybe I shouldn't be so carefree and stay with strangers...but I couldn't help but feel encouraged. If this is what high school reunions feel like...I'm kinda pumped for my 10 year.