FORGIVENESS AND FOOTBALL

(quick note: I’ll be honest, this blog's a vulnerable one for me…but as a writer and someone who is committed to transparency and truth, I find it impossible to let you in on my heart and revelations while censoring or telling half-truths. Plus this is part of my trip, its not just the landmarks and cities, it's the hard stuff and the heart change.)

What is forgiveness?!? It seems like one of the main pillars on which the Christian faith is built and it seems so simple, or at least that’s how we throw the word around. “God died on the cross to forgive our sins”, “god forgives you”, “god is forgiveness”…but what does that even mean?!? I don’t know about you but God always reveals things to me in the most unlikely places and times. This most recent one was today during the Husky football game and requires a background story… 

Sophomore year of college, while having so many fun and meaningful memories, was certainly a year of searching (and thus almost unavoidably, a year of hurt). It was that year that I met a young athlete and fell into a sort of entrancement with him. He was good looking and well known…but most importantly, he noticed me. He didn’t go out of his way to make me feel special, never asked about anything that held a shred of significance in my life and he NEVER drove me home, never even offered. But he wasn’t fake and didn’t pretend to be something he wasn’t, which I kinda always admired. I shrugged off all the aspects of our “relationship” (I use that word loosely) that I didn’t like due to the fact that he made me feel pretty and worthwhile and I soon grew to be an enabler and encourager of bad habits. 

The connection was purely physical and so in the moment it felt passionate and exciting but then I’d leave his dorm room and walk home, my eyes welling with tears.  It was always that 15 minute walk home in the cold, quietness of night, through the quad and up memorial way, that I felt closest to God. What am I doing? (The question that haunted me most). I’d think "God, if you had a silver platter with all the things you would love for me to have and experience and the idea of ‘intimacy’ was on it I‘m pretty sure what I’m doing right now isn’t even close.” I knew that much. But what intense power insecurity has over people. The desire to feel needed and wanted will drive people to do just about anything.

It went on like this for a while until…well, until I ran away from it. I wish I could say I matured enough in my faith to say no or stick up for myself…or that I learned discipline or that me and God grew so close that I couldn’t help but do the right thing, but nope, I simply fled. I did a study exchange in Mississippi for a semester. But funny how you can only outrun life for a short time because when I came back He was everywhere. I saw him walkin around campus, I heard his name in conversations, he was all over TV. I vowed to do everything in my power to forgive and forget. I even went as far to approach him one day on campus. I apologized for the part I had played in what I considered an unhealthy and unconventional relationship. I apologized for misrepresenting myself and God.  I apologized that I gave the message that treating women like toys was ok. And I apologized that I didn’t give him the chance to be a gentlemen because I never presented myself in a way that would require that. I said these things because I needed to forgive myself and in order to do that, I needed closure. And if I’m honest the romantic in me was hoping he’d see me and hear my words and fall in love with me and want a second chance.  (Reconciliation is kinda my favorite thing!) The outcome I got was not quite that whimsical. He said, (and I quote) “girl, that was forever ago…you’re still on that?” felt like more of an idiot than I ever had. 

Yup…still on it...silly me! 

 Walked home in a constant state of déjà vu as my eyes welled with tears and my stomach dropped in a pit. HOW DO I MOVE PAST THIS!?!?

Forgiveness. I knew the answer all along…but how do you get there? What do you do?

The first HUGE realization I had to make is that forgiveness is NOT reconciliation. (this one has been hard for me) I think I had been working to make things right with this man when 1. He didn’t seem to think anything was wrong and 2. He wasn’t working toward a similar goal. As the conversation on campus proved, I CANNOT make him (or anyone) care about what I care about…what’s real for me may or may not be real for them. But that doesn’t change to requirements and traits of forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t count on anyone else. It doesn’t hold weight of opinions or suggestions. It doesn’t have to make logical sense on a piece of paper or hold its own against a pro’s and con’s list. It’s not a vow of discipline or work, it’s not a life sentence of proving yourself. It is clearing a debt free of charge. It allowing someone to NOT be God and NEVER holding that against them. It is not “you owe me $100, let’s work together to get my account to where it was.” It’s giving someone $100 and never asking for anything in return. (The hard part about this is that there is also the unseen cost…it’s not simply the money, it’s that you don’t know how NOT having that money might affect you in the future). I’m tellin ya, this forgiveness thing is difficult.

Since my sophomore year I have yet to be able to sit through a Husky football game. I tried going to a game my senior year and at the end of the 1^st quarter walked home alone because I saw his face on the big screen one too many times. Even a few weeks ago I tried watching with a group of friends and found tears streaming down my face as I sat back and listened to everyone in the room weigh in on his stats, his personality and his looks. And today, as the huskies played the ducks, I was only able to make it 15 minutes into the game before escaping to my room. It's not difficult to see him because I love him or can't let him go, it's that he is a haunting reminder of mistakes I've made and insecurities I fight. HOWEVER, it was in that 15 minutes today I came to a pivotal place in my faith. As we sat and watched the game my uncle remarked about Him, said he “looked like I nice guy” but before he could even finish I said “he’s NOT!” and I sat there in bitterness and hurt secretly wishing the huskies lose, secretly hoping he breaks his ankle, secretly wishing his career ends today. And it hit me…

How do you know you’re forgiven? You act like it. Saying you forgive yourself is one thing, but try living into it. I KNOW God has forgiven me because he acts like it…he continues to bless me; everyday, all the time. It became clear that I have most certainly NOT forgiven this man because well… I don’t act like I have. People say it’s like getting a gift and not opening it, but I’d say it’s like getting a gift and not using it! I believe we often receive gifts (the invisible, kingdom kind) and we might even open them and muse…we set it up on a shelf and let it collect dust. We talk about it, we show it off…but we never use it.

So as I sat and watched the game today, I closed my eyes and prayed a blessing over this man who I have not loved well over the last few years. I prayed for more than a win (although I prayed for that too) for more than health, for more than success…I prayed for peace, for meaning, for happiness, for overwhelming love. It didn’t come natural, it felt like I was fighting a thousand tiny evil ninjas in my head, but I believe with practice it will be easier and easier.

So YES, I’m still on it…have had to work on it and will probably have to continue to do so but I sense myself slowly letting go and living more and more into the blessing of God’s forgiveness (the words blessing and forgiveness seem interchangeable now) and when I lean into that it’s nearly impossible to hold onto regret and hurt.

God must secretly be a Duck fan or something. If nothing more he’s a football fan because he definitely used the game today to reveal himself to me in a new way.