SO SMALL!

Do you ever just feel SO small? For some reason that phenomena happens to me a lot in the shower, water beating on my face, eyes closed and its like I'm not in my own body, like I don't even have a body...it's rather weird.

Well as I drove to Pittsburgh yesterday I was listening to a song that rustled up some of those same feelings, it said "And I am feeling so small. It was over my head, I know nothing at all." I listened and cried (shocker) because this is the feeling I have had the overwhelming majority of my trip. I guess I expected to go on this adventure, see things, meet people and feel empowered by it. but I have never felt SMALLER! The more I see the more questions I have. The more need I come across the more helpless I feel.

For the longest time it was discouraging and depressing...one of the reasons I wanted to retreat back home. But as I've prayed about it over the last few months and seek counsel I have found something comforting in it all...the reminder that I AM small. Which doesn't seem helpful at first but what it means is that I am inherently a part of something bigger. It takes some of the pressure off; I am not on this world to be alone and fix all the problems myself...I am to band together with others and have our smallness work together to create something bigger and stronger than we all are by ourselves.

I believe God gives me those reminders not to discourage me but to A. make sure pride doesn't get in my way, that my ego isn't getting too big. "NO, kate, you can't end racism alone!" and B. to encourage me "yes kate, you ARE small, but I happen to be big and I am on your side!" I believe those moments I have when I close my eyes and feel like a tiny smurf are gifts from God...it is his way of making me feel like I could very well fit into someone's hands...his hands.