New Blog...

For those that have been following (thank you!) I have created a new spot to post! I wanted to keep my stories pertaining to my US journey kinda sacred. My new blog is called "Wonder and Wander" found at takeawrongturn.blogspot.com

Funny The Way It Is...

So I’ve been told I’m supposed to do a wrap up blog…like a ‘now that I’m home I’m doing__ _(fill in the blank)” well if that was the blog it would end here because I’m doing nothing. I am simply recovering. Yes, its been a solid month or so but gosh, I can’t seem to get it all straight.

I think that’s the problem, I’m always trying to ‘figure it out’ and I can’t help but feel like Gods up there laughin his ass off cause  “jokes on you, there are no answers!”

But I was actually reminded today by a career counselor (yes, I need professional help) that while circumstances change, things shift and new questions arise….there are some capital T truths that stay the same. It was illustrated in the fact that I met with this man last year and the careers I was interested in and the things I said then could not have been more different from what I articulated about life and possible careers now. BUT… who God is in my life has stayed the same…the center of the spokes, the thing that holds everything else together, constant.

I traveled around for 6 months, stayed in 25 different states, ate hundreds of thousands of extra “vacation” calories, met loads of new people, walked lord knows how many miles, spent way too much money and drank more coffee than the average human should. And yet while EVERYTHING changed…NOTHING changed. The center of my life, the ONLY sure thing I know to be one thousand percent true is this...

Jesus loves me.

When that is theTruth at the center of all my crazy, “unadult”, adventurous spokes…I know they have to lead somewhere cool. But I'm done trying to figure it all out (and by done trying I mean I will probably still try but have moments of sanity where I remember this blog and remember to stop trying!)

That’s all I got.

(Feels like I coulda learned that lesson without putting 30,000 miles on my car, haha! Funny the way it is.)

Ponderings...

Wanna know what I've prayed for most since I left Seattle?
I know the correct answer is safety...but no, I find myself on my knees asking God to make me 'simple minded,' easily pleased....ok with half truths, satisfied with the answer, 'that's just the way things are.'
My mind and my heart, they never stop.
answers only lead to more questions.

It's a beautiful thing, it makes my world poetically awful and haunted. It challenges me to do more, be more, say more, love more. It brings me to my knees. It motivates me to move. It surrounds every relationship I have with this invisible shield of authenticity.

but it's exhausting.
and often...unrealistic.

My friend, whom shall not be named (although the story of our friendship is one of my favorites to tell..one of those unlikey cat/dog type things) well anyways, he's quite literally the most opposite person I know from myself...from how we look, to how we talk to how we think. He's a realist. He's not into the having or sharing of feelings. And while we often get into heated arguments, that (lets be real) stem from me thinking there is a better way (mine) of doing things, the truth is, I often envy him. He doesn't live in a dream world like I do where everything is possible and you can achieve your dreams if you just try hard enough...where jerk drug dealers can be best friends, a world where the gaps between people, no matter how big, can always be bridged, a world where I look pretty when I cry. I romanticize EVERYTHING. I believe it's what makes me me.

I was reading Anne Lamott's newest publish "stitches" (confession: I couldn't afford to buy the book so I visited Barnes and Noble periodically to read it piece by piece) Other than the fact that she's my idol, I also believe she's a kindred spirit. Everything she writes to describe herself I find myself thinking "me too!" I wrote this excerpt down in my journal:

"I had to learn to be present with out paying quite so much attention to my own poor old over ramped mind because this was the source of most of my unhappiness. And it still is."
holy shit...she's got it. that's me! She found a way to articulate it in 2 sentences, something I've been trying to pinpoint for years now. It's helpful to read the whole chapter, in fact the whole book, otherwise that passage just sounds morbid (and doesn't actually make a ton of sense), but basically she's figured out, like me, that you can't un-see or un-experience anything. And  that pieces of you stay with the people, places and times you fall in love with (even if it's the hate kinda love). In this sense maybe it's better to experience and see less...maybe ignorance really is bliss.

I have to learn that sometimes its OK to just let things be what they are..that often it's the only way they can be. What I've been challenged with most on this trip is how do you let go of some of those nearly impossible, unrealistic goals and still remain true to the spirit that burns within you?
Good god, I have no idea.
I feel I will continue to be challenged with this for the rest of my life.

Welcome to Warshington

I  rolled into Spokane (naked!) (see previous post!) and had this inkling to just keep driving. I felt so close to the finish line, why not just push through? But was so glad that I stuck to the plan because I got to stay with good family friends that totally spoiled me...like we had cinnamon rolls with dinner, how cool is that?!?


Anyways, I woke up feeling totally refreshed. Plus it was sunny and I had nothing to do so I got to have a slow morning. I pulled a chair up to the window with a cup of coffee and a book and just basked in the morning. I left feeling energized and re-charged to continue to be present in what I was doing. Just because I was in Washington doesn't mean I was finished. (but funny how I have a tendency to cut corners). Before I left Spokane I stopped in to see my Grandpa and his wife and was luckily to have the topic of my car come up because I hadn't checked the oil in awhile and me and my gramps ended up gettin some good time in while rummaging through his huge garage for oil!

me and gramps!

When I left Spokane I had the opportunity to take the scenic route home and stay with friends in Leavenworth. Again, at first I was kinda antsy to get home but the friends that I have in Leavenworth are like those life-long, they understand my soul, we could sit in a room together and be completely silent type friends and I felt it appropriate to end on that kind of note. So the first night I stayed with my friend Chris (a friend since middle school!) We baked brownies, walked around town, played outside, took an afternoon nap in the sun....just had a grand ole time! Then we went to a brewery where he met up with his friends, and I met up with mine so we all ended hanging out for awhile (it is one of my favorite phenomena, when worlds collide!) Then we split ways and I left with my girlfriends and stayed a night in Cashmere. Those last few days were just solid. Filled with rays of sunshine and rays of peace. I was not the least bit 'on' and got to be completely open and raw about the trip; which parts transformed me, which haunted me, which moved me, which angered me et cetera. It felt good to sort through some of it before getting home and being bombarded by friends and family (all good stuff, but usually just usually a little overwhelming!) I felt like I left Leavenworth with a handle on all of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, things continue to be revealed to me daily (and probably will continue to) but for now...I got a little bit of a grasp.

me and chris after and during our nap time!

Nakey

I had the opportunity to check something off my bucket list when I left Missoula. I had wanted to drive through a state naked. Granted, I could have accomplished this in any state, but with the route I was going, the drive across Idaho would only be about an hour and I felt like that was more do-able than the long haul across Nebraska...So please don't judge me (or do) but I did it!!!

craziest, funniest (coldest) drive yet! I'm kinda wising I would have done it for all my long drives because the adrenaline made it go by SO fast. Just had to share life on the road with you all...

Grace like Rain...

I'm a little behind, I've gotten swept up in the excitement of it all.

Let me get ya up to date. I left Sheridan and drove to Missoula to stay with a dear family friend Cara. She's actually more like a sister so you can imagine how nice it was to be around someone who I didn't really have to explain myself to or impress in any form or fashion. (or in the form of fashion...I wore sweats the whole time I was there!) At one point she was asking how the trip was going and what some of the more frustrating aspects have been. After thinking about it for awhile I explained that basically I have hated being the source of strain or bother with people over the last 5 months. Like I hate when people move things around to accommodate me or when they buy something special to have at the house...I would rather them do their EXACT daily routine even if it meant me and being a little less comfortable. But the more we talked the more I realized how deep those stems went. I don't like being a bother turned into 'I care what people think' which turned into 'it's hard to let people love me' which inherently means its hard for me to receive. (turns out, like most things, it wasn't a problem with other people...it was internal).

A couple years back my brother actually called me out on this. He had given me a gift and I went out to give him one in return. His reaction wasn't what I expected...he was almost mad. "Kate, I didn't give you a gift so that you'd give me one back...in fact in that sense you're totally robbing me of my gift. Sometimes you just gotta receive it and then the best thing you can do is just say thank you....and really mean it!" There was a ton of wisdom packed into what he had said and man, that little speech has haunted me for the last few years. It has been especially present on this trip. Receiving from others was not merely a means of comfort or fun over the last few months, it's been the means of SURVIVAL!

This trip has basically been a very tangible way for God to give his love. It's felt as if God is pouring grace over my body like rain during a torrential downpour, overwhelmingly so, so that it feels like I'm almost drowning. He must have known that he had to go to that extent; that this was such a weak spot for me that he had to drown me in it. He didn't want to risk me not understanding, me not seeing and recognizing and feeling that he loves me, that he is for me, that he is with me. He didn't want me to escape unscathed...he wanted the droplets to touch EVERY surface of my being! You'd think in a torrential downpour that wouldn't take long, but turns out I can be pretty stubborn sometimes, convinced that I need my galoshes, raincoat, poncho, umbrella...refusing to get wet.

But as I've traveled from place to place and I seemed to be hit with that same stormy gust of grace (all the people who've prayed for me, hosted me, fed me or connected me) the droplets found a way to touch my skin, regardless of how many layers or barriers I put up. I still have the hardest time receiving, but God's persistence in giving seems to overshadow that weakness lately.
Hallelujah.Grace like rain falls down on me.

Windows

I left Colorado and drove to Sheridan Wyoming. (I gotta admit the drives across the mid-west have definitely had their pretty moments but have also been the most miserable!) I stayed with my sister-in-law's friend Katie and her husband Gene.
Sheridan has that small town feel, rode in on my civic hybrid feeling like that big city woman, everyone seemed to be starring!  I walk into their home and the basement (Katie has nicknamed it the "death room") is full of furs and stuffed deer heads. (a little different hobbies in the mid west than we have in Seattle!) Later that night we went to one of their friends houses for dinner and a couple rounds of pool. We were home by 11 and got settled in. Life seemed to move slower here, and I kinda liked it. (Not to mention Katie and Gene were hilarious and so sweet to me, so that could have been part of it!)

I woke up to Gene and Katie knockin out some window in their kitchen (and sharin some expletives, haha) And I don't know why I was so impressed, but I loved how Gene went about it. He's definitely talented and knows his way around the tool shed, but he's not a professional. Thought it was cool how he kinda just got after it, startin tearin things apart and then when he ran into a problem, like the siding on the house being in the way, or the dry wall in the kitchen, or the measurements being a bit off, he took it one step at a time.

It's cliche and obvious but it was a good reminder to continue to get after things, to not let my lack or experience or fear of doing it wrong get in the way or paralyze me. Recently a friend said something like, "It's so much easier for God to move people that are already moving." Which seems to make sense..not that God's ways should be easily translatable into simple scientific terms, but its basically pure physics. How much harder is it to move something when you have no momentum? It was a call to continue to move, even when I don't know what's next (or even when what's next is more problems).

After I had left I got a text from Gene and Katie with a picture of their new window...you would never know by looking at it how much work went into it or that it all didn't go according to plan or that there may or may not have been some jimmy-rigging in the process, but man oh man, it was a good lookin window!

Golden

Picture hanging in the Stanley Hotel

After I left Denver I spent a night in Estes Park, which, yes, is where Dumb and Dumber was filmed (the greatest movie ever made!) My friend Matt works up there so he connected me with a place to rest my noggin! Me and Matt actually met through this guy Tyler who I worked with at University Presbyterian Church last year and as life would have it, Tyler also ended up moving to Colorado this last fall ( to a city named Golden...also the home to the worlds largest brewery, Coors!) So he invited me and Matt to hang with he and his family last night. I'm trying to imagine the type of person you'd have to be to meet Tyler and NOT like him...I would say the Grinch but i'm pretty sure even he would be able to connect. Needless to say, Tylers a good dude and both Matt and I were excited to get some time in with him.

When we got there I immediately fell in love with both of his sons, Liam (4th grade) and Toby (kindergarten). At one point we were all in the car getting a small tour around town, Matt was saying something to Tyler and Toby, in the most serious, sincere way goes, "mmmmm, AMEN!" I didn't want to laugh and make him feel insecure or embarrassed, if he was feelin the spirit, I wanted him to relish in it. But GOD, was it hilarious! (and that was only one of a large handful of funny comments he made...most of the rest having to do with poop of course!)

The beautiful Estes Park

Once the boys went down, me, Tyler and Matt huddled around a fire outside for a bit. We spent a solid hour or 2 sharing funny stories, somber prayer requests, our favorite book quotes (we're all secret nerds!) and some of our most haunting questions. At one point I sat back and kinda chuckled to myself...I really don't know either of these men all that well. ( In fact to most, this evening would fall under the category of "awkward") but I couldn't help but feel like I belonged there...like I wasn't supposed to be anywhere else.

Denver

So remember Caleb from my last post, the one I hadn't met til staying at his house? The one I kinda barely know? Well I left Omaha to stay with his parents in Denver (who I also didn't know). Most people think that sounds like hell,  to bounce from place to place, and then to stay with strangers. But it's been so cool to see this chain of people unravel...to stay with the people who love my people and then to stay with the people who love them. my little literal love chain.

Anyways, Caleb's mom, Diane, is what one would call a GEM! I was so needin some mama love and she played the role flawlessly; she hugged me, fed me, prayed for me, listened to me...loved on me! By my second night there (and actually my last night) we were cuddled up on the couch, sharing popcorn and watchin a chick-flick! With the way the cards landed I only got to spend about 30 minutes with Caleb's dad, Del. My first interaction with him involved him wearing fake snaggle teeth, so you can imagine the kind of hilarious, dad type of guy he is! Needless to say I left their home feeling renewed and refreshed, but possibly more ready than ever to be home. They had done such a good job at playin "mom and dad" that all I could think about was bein with my own folks!

As lovely as it would be to be home, the drive from Denver to Seattle would be rough so I've kept my original plan to make some last few stops. Even still, I'll be home in about a week. CRAZINESS! Trying to soak it all in.

The trip from Omaha to Denver was the longest, most boring drive yet...got a little snap happy!

Omerha

Once again, God has out-done himself!
I drove into Omaha Nebraska a little anxious. I was to stay with Elli and Caleb, a young couple I had met at a Christmas party while I was home. Elli is the older sister of a dear friend of mine, so she felt a little like family and we had totally connected at the party, but we had only chatted for a half hour or so (and I was tipsy). What if she liked tipsy Kate better? What if 30 minute spurts were the key and thus having me all weekend would drive them crazy? Plus I was also just kinda curious, what the heck is there to do in Omaha Nebraska?!? the only other time I had been around that area was about 12 years ago for a family reunion in Lincoln (a snooze to say the least!).

But as I walked into their warm, vibrant home (like a pintrest page..or an anthropology magazine) I knew God had more to offer me. Elli wasn't home when I got there, but she told me to just go on in and get comfortable, so I sat on the futon and opened a book....which turned into a nap. I woke up warm, cheeks pink....sooo rested! I opened the bedroom door to find Elli scurrying around the kitchen and we just shared a long embrace. At that point I was ready to sign a lease...can I just stay forever!!! I don't know what it was, what it is...being in her presence is like drawing in a deep breathe after it's rained...clear, clean, smooth, refreshing. ANYWAYS, sat and talked for hours before realizing it was dinner time. We warmed up some soup and Caleb joined us. He's also a gem. He's studying to be a doctor...and if you've read older blogs or know me, you know I have my own unique medical history and so it was fun to talk about it with him, have him or I ask questions back and forth. In fact, it was kinda healing. The more I talk about all that stuff, especially when its not a loaded conversation where someone's crying, but just talking about it and recognizing it as a reality, the more I am able to separate myself from the grip that it often has on me.

The next day I slept in but got up and started gettin ready to head out and see the sites. I opened my door to a note Elli had left (she had to work til later that afternoon so was gone) at the end it said, "hope you have a restful day" and I thought, huh....rest! ya that sounds nice. So I got back in my jammies, made a cup of tea and curled up with a book. When Elli got back we went to a great little coffee shop downtown, where she witnessed my second melt down, haha! I've said this before but I often have all these feelings swirling around my heart and can never quite articulate them...crying is often the closest expression I can get. I was just so stinkin grateful to have her around and didn't know how to say it. Anyways, we got home and her and Caleb had an event to go to so we spent some time doin that 'girls will be girls' stuff...paintin nails, trying different lipsticks, comparing earring choices, curling hair (probably the single greatest part of being female...well that and being able to bring new life into the world...but its a close race!) When they got back we cuddled up on the couch with popcorn and watched Thor (so wish I had a snapshot of that!)

The next morning we went to church. (Forgot to mention, Elli and Caleb live in a very urban setting in N. Omaha, definitely considered the rough part of town). Anyways, I walked in and kinda welled with tears. THE COOLEST illustration of what I feel the church should look like. It was diverse in race, gender, generation, socio-economic status....EVERYTHING! Do they do everything perfect...I don't know, but probably not. But I know that I will carry their model with me as I move forward. It will be my prayer for most places and spaces that I encounter, that It look more and more like this church. (the Bridge!) AND THEN, we were invited to the pastors home afterward for lunch. He and his wife are BEAUTIFUL (like annoyingly so, haha!) I was kinda expecting that they were boring and dull or maybe even mean...I mean you can't be as stunning as they are and as spiritually sound AND be cool....but nope, I was wrong, apparently you can. They are some of the most genuine people I've met. (I mean, he pastors a church, so you'd hope that to be true but funny how rare that actually is!) It made me wish I was a millionaire and could just leave them with stacks of cash (knowing they'd put it to good use!)

Amidst a trip and travels that often lead me to dark places and discouraging realities, it was so nice to leave Omaha feeling rested, restored and encouraged. Elli, Caleb, their home, their community, their church...thank you! Thank you for reminding me that yes, there is a shit ton wrong in this world...but ya know, there's also so much right.

HighSchool Reunion

When I posted that I needed a place to stay in Iowa a few weeks back on Facebook I could have given you a list of 100 people that would be the most random connections to have write me back. But I wouldn't even have thought to write down the person who actually offered up their home. Josh Hoffman, from my glory days in High School.

Here's why it was random...we weren't really in the same group of friends. I mean our paths crossed, we shared a few classes, but I knew next to NOTHING about this guy. (so why the hell not?!? ya, staying with him for a night sounds good! hahah!)

I got in kinda late so we didn't have a ton of time to hang out that night but in the morning he made me an amazing breakfast (the egg in the toast thing..so cute!) showed me around the sites (which are few in Des Moines so it was a fairly short tour) and told me a little about his life there. As we drove around we shared funny stories from high school...like 6th period weight class where it was our friend Evan's only goal to pants this kid Chris EVERY DAY! (needless to say, I saw more private parts than I would care to that year!) And then we connected over the music he was playing, which is huge (music choice says a lot about someone!) I sat back in awe. I guess I don't know what I expected...and ya, maybe I shouldn't be so carefree and stay with strangers...but I couldn't help but feel encouraged. If this is what high school reunions feel like...I'm kinda pumped for my 10 year.

DJ CamelToph and DJ CropDustin on the 1's and 2's

As I left Chicago, I also left my heart. It is, and quite possibly will forever be, with 2 men on the North side. Haha!
 Let me just rewind. While in DC at the national prayer breakfast a few weeks back, I was introduced to Topher. He and my friend Chris had mutual friends so we ended up bein stuck in a room together for a bit. During that time he found out I was traveling, so he did what most people that I meet on my trip do (and probably wished they hadn't) and offered me a place to crash in Chicago if I ended up needing it. There wouldn't be much of a story if I hadn't taken him up on the offer, so it seems obviously that I did. Needless to say, this last Monday I drug myself and all my luggage up to his front door..."Mamas Home!!!"

 DJ cameltoph

So here's the thing...Topher's kinda a big deal. He's a super talented DJ that travels around the world for shows. But when he answered the door I felt like a good friend was welcomin me home (so humble). Anyways, then I was immediately introduced to his roommate, Dustin, who is his manager. Coolest guy (with the coolest beard!) and the best taste in books...definitely a kindred spirit.  I'm pretty sure it only took me those first 4.7 seconds to determine that these were some of the most genuinely kind, cool guys I'd interacted with in awhile...and FUNNY, like hilarious. (I kinda annoyed myself at how much I was laughing, but I couldn't help it!)


They got me settled and then we talked for a solid 2 hours in the kitchen. I have always felt like people take in interest in what I'm doing...the trip, the road, the adventure...and don't get me wrong, I so appreciate it. But there seemed to be something different about the way these guys engaged with me...like they liked what I was doing, but they also liked me. and I don't mean that  in an egotistical way....but as a testament to them that I felt cared for and wanted. (and if they didn't like me, then they sure are good at faking it!)

DJ CropDustin

Anyways...we basically lived the dream for 3 days. With their jobs they have a lot of work but fairly flexible schedules so we got to hang out quite a bit. We went to breakfast one morning...good God, I don't think I've had a better pancake in my life (and I'm more of a waffle girl, so that's sayin somethin!) We made Topher Tacos one night...bomb.dot.com! We watched some stand up comedy, took a few naps. One morning me and Dustin were up before Topher and we just sat and read in the living room with our coffee (silence among anyone, let alone a stranger, is a testament to somethin cool, not quite sure what, but it was impressive to me). And we all 3 just did a lot of sitting and talking. [which is when I learned about their DJ names (blog title) which if it went over your head, good for you...you have yet to be corrupted by our crude society! But if it didn't, you can get a sense for their humor (tiny bit inappropriate, but so comical!)]

Our last night we went to one of the clubs Topher DJ's for pretty regularly, Studio Paris, in Downtown Chicago. It was freezing..like literally (maybe 9 degrees) so the club was a little more dead than usual and they kept apologzing. "you should come back in the summer" "it's usually not like this.." Little did they know, I was happy to sit there with them and do absolutely nothing. Funny how when you're with the right people, sitting in an annoyingly loud room, with lights that could prompt a seizure and being surrounded by folks WAY to old to be in the club, turns out to be fun.

Maybe I WAYYYYY misconstrued it and maybe the guys are reading this now goin "YA, she definitely got the wrong idea! She is one pathetic loser!" lol. But I left a piece of my heart there because somewhere along my time with them the host/guest relationship that got me there faded and morphed into something completely different...friendship.
God I love this trip!

Cousin time in Chicago

Flexin at the Bean

I walked into my cousins basement apartment in Chicago to find he and his roommates brewing their own beer...YUP, this is gonna be a good few days!!!
I was right...that first night we got deep dish pizza and me and his roommates played round after round of pop a shot, that arcade type basketball game! (a must have for any bachelor pad!)
The next day my cousin, Jeff, and his girlfriend, Kate, showed me around the city. We went to a great brunch place then saw the bean, the one and only thing on my list of things to see in Chicago (other than Derek Rose) and then we got lunch at a fun little sports bar, where I tried cheese curds for the first time (fried cheese, yes please!)
Me and Kate got some quality girl time in later that night when we left Jeff and went to dinner. I knew I liked her but as we sat and shared about walking through similar struggles I found she was yet another kindred spirit...funny how they really are everywhere!

DEJA VU

After leaving D.C. there was this weird weight lifted...I'm heading home. Although I still have plenty of road to cover before I walk up my front steps, just knowing I'm moving in that direction is comforting. It's something solid and known amidst all the chaos and unknown of the rest of my life. (What am I gonna do once I get there? I have not the faintest idea. but I'll be home.)

Only unnerving part about heading home is that my route back has less connections than my route over. I have very few family members or dear friends in the Midwest, so needless to say I've been worried about how all that will play out. Staying with random connections, while fun and exciting, means I need to be "on."

My first stop after D.C. was Pittsburgh...crazy, cool city...but kinda dark. (I likened it to Gotham city and oddly enough, that's where Batman was filmed!) I have not driven through a city like it. Anyways, I had connections there through a friend and mentor back home, Lina, that had taken it upon herself to get me to Chicago where I have a cousin! As I walked into their home I was like..."shit, this is gonna be weird." Not that they had done anything to make me feel that way but it just felt like I was stumbling into something, ruining the usual routine. And I'll be honest, that feeling stayed there for a solid hour or 2. It finally faded after dinner was cleared and me, Matt and his wife, Betsy, were able to just sit and talk. They looked at me so intently...with genuine care and concern for my trip and where I was at. It could have been that I was stir crazy from the long drive alone but I was all over the place, felt like I was making NO sense but I sat and spewed thoughts,feelings and stories anyway. (I felt like a 4 year old full of great craft ideas, hopped up on sugar...passionate and energized and yet unsure of where or how to start!) They had to think I was nuts, but they sat graciously and offered advice and wisdom where they could. The next night me and their 2 girls sat on my bed and made bracelets, giggling as I tried to get the scoop on their lives (boys, activities etc...) By the end of my time with the family I felt so connected...like I would trust em with my life (somethin about sharin a bathroom gets ya a special bond).

As I left Pittsburgh I began to worry that this last connect was not gonna be the norm. I geared up to have my next stop in Cincinnati be soul wearying. Instead I had deja vu as I walked into a home with an incredible family dynamic, 2 of the sweetest young girls and kind, engaging parents that made me feel right at home. Fred was another connect from Lina. I was nervous because he worked from home so I knew me and him would be home a lot together. Should I stay outta his hair? Do I try and engage with him? but he was such a dad,so fatherly...my worries quickly faded. We had so many opportunities to talk about the tough stuff, the hard stuff, the heart stuff...and he didn't shy in challenging me on some things, which I appreciated! But he was also just so funny and full of great stories, so it was fun to just sit and listen. The last night I got to take the girls out for ice cream, so funny (I almost forgot what it felt like to be a pre-teen!) and then we came back and I taught them the best card game on earth (nerts!) My ego took a blow however as the mom caught on faster than most and showed me up on my own game.

Yes, I'm still nervous my "cool" experience tab will run out and one of these days and I'll have to stay with the rudest, cruelest people...maybe they'll lock me in the basement and throw down soggy toast for meals. But so far I've only had the royalty treatment...in accommodations for my body but also for my soul. So I'm feeling good about my mojo, bring it on Midwest!

SO SMALL!

Do you ever just feel SO small? For some reason that phenomena happens to me a lot in the shower, water beating on my face, eyes closed and its like I'm not in my own body, like I don't even have a body...it's rather weird.

Well as I drove to Pittsburgh yesterday I was listening to a song that rustled up some of those same feelings, it said "And I am feeling so small. It was over my head, I know nothing at all." I listened and cried (shocker) because this is the feeling I have had the overwhelming majority of my trip. I guess I expected to go on this adventure, see things, meet people and feel empowered by it. but I have never felt SMALLER! The more I see the more questions I have. The more need I come across the more helpless I feel.

For the longest time it was discouraging and depressing...one of the reasons I wanted to retreat back home. But as I've prayed about it over the last few months and seek counsel I have found something comforting in it all...the reminder that I AM small. Which doesn't seem helpful at first but what it means is that I am inherently a part of something bigger. It takes some of the pressure off; I am not on this world to be alone and fix all the problems myself...I am to band together with others and have our smallness work together to create something bigger and stronger than we all are by ourselves.

I believe God gives me those reminders not to discourage me but to A. make sure pride doesn't get in my way, that my ego isn't getting too big. "NO, kate, you can't end racism alone!" and B. to encourage me "yes kate, you ARE small, but I happen to be big and I am on your side!" I believe those moments I have when I close my eyes and feel like a tiny smurf are gifts from God...it is his way of making me feel like I could very well fit into someone's hands...his hands.

My life on 'U' Street

Me and Donte...first lesson

Member that time I told you guys I was going to get a lesson in frying chicken at Oohh's and Aahh's, that great little spot on 'U' street? Well that dream evolved...and now I have a job there for the week! haha!My first shift was this last Tuesday. I was there for 10 hours but it went by in the blink of an eye. (you know what they say, "time flies when you're learning to fry chicken!") But really, there was so much stimulus all day, I barely noticed that by 10 when we were closing up, I hadn't even eaten dinner. Then I took the late night shifts Friday and Saturday night (10pm-4am...craziness, but we'll get to that!)

I will try to unpack for you some of what I was seeing, hearing, thinking, feeling...but it's one of those experiences that is impossible to re-create or try to articulate and explain. But let's start with the environment. Its a shop tucked between a hair salon and some kinda corner shop, I actually haven't seen whats inside, but if you weren't looking for it, you could very well miss it. 'U' street is known as a lively part of town. The side walks are lined with bars, coffee shops and clubs! Its not the nicest area of DC but it's also not the scariest. When you walk into Oohh's and Aahh's two things happen: 1. you are instantly warmed. All the ovens and stoves create a nice space heater affect. and 2. your nostrils are inundated with the fragrance of what I can only assume heaven will smell like (corn bread, chicken, sweet potatoes, mac'n cheese...yum!)

Next, the customers. It seems like half the people that walk into that shop don't order anything, they just pull a chair up to the counter and start sharin the block's gossip. It's actually kinda cute, Oohh's and Aahh's is like the blocks hub for conversation and relationship...everyone's a neighbor. Other workers from U street are regulars and they trade services and goods for a couple pieces of that beloved chicken. There are a couple "crazies" that pop in regularly (these are the ones I tend to get sucked into talking with) and then a mixture of what you might assume...college students, families and just really really hungry folks! Like 99.9% of the customers were on board with my presence and training there (there was only one woman that had a problem with me and while my first instincts (and her remarks) tell me it was because of the color of my skin, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's just a really loyal customer who was thrown off by the change).

Lastly (this is my favorite part) the employees! There are 4 girls I've worked with...all are beautiful beyond words. Jai is a manager, she's a little bit older, maybe early 30's. She's kind and warm but also completely self suffiecient and strong...a hard combo to come by. Her 20 year old neice, Ti-ti works with her, she's a hard worker and I have yet to hear her complain about a single thing. And then there's Jazmine, she seemed intimidating to me at first, but quickly found that her independent, tough exterior is only a small part of her, she has such a soft center (like those old strawberry candies that old people have that are hard on the outside and soft on the inside!) Lastly, Tammy, she's the owners daughter and beyond Jazmine, I wasn't only intimidated by her, I was legitimately scared, haha! But funny how people surprise you if you let em, within hours we were laughin together and askin about each others lives. These 4 women are the people I tend to run to or holler for when I'm in over my head. They have been so patient and gracious in teaching me all the ins and outs, although there's NO way they haven't all wanted to punch me in the face at one point or another. What seems so second nature to them..like breathing...is like doing long division for me; hard and complicated and requires WAY more time and focus than it should.

The guys are all characters. Donte is another manager. He's around a lot but is also pursuing music (was surprised by the depth of his stuff, little bit of a poet!) and although his life style seems to require that he give off a masculine, intimidating vibe, he actually has a great sense of humor and has a total soft spot. Arrington (think thats how you spell it, lol) is litereally singing 24/7 but it's ok because his voice is like butter! (like if  John Legend and Anthony Hamilton's vocal chords had a baby!) Tariq, I haven't had a ton of time to actually work with him but he's the one that's always checkin in on me, makin sure I'm doin ok...total sweat heart! And Wade. He's one of the mysterious ones...he kinda fits into all categories and yet none of them. He mostly keeps to himself, but when he does open up he's hilarious. he's also smarter than he lets on and one of the most articulate people I've met. And the cooks in the back!!! Gosh these guys are awesome (and SO hard working!!!) I can't give you much more than that though because they all only speak Spanish so communication is limited. But Juan, Wilbur and Manuel are the three I've had the chance to at least try to have a conversation with (which are full of awkward hand gestures and rusty Spanish vocab from high school!) One of the guys, Manuel and I have a special bond. Since we can't communicate we just say eachother's names each time we pass "Manuel!" "Gadtee (he's saying katie, but it sounds more like this!) "Manuel!" "Gadtee" and it goes on like that...it's pretty great! haha!

So that's the environment I've been in for the last few days. It's been SO fun and so valuable but I've found that it's also exhausting to be in a constant state of 'lost' as I scramble around and try to figure out all the intangible parts of the job, the parts that can't be taught or trained. A few cute stories though before this blog turns into a novel. Friday night, during the the first half of my first late night shift, I was on the register. I was a little nervous because I wasn’t completely familiarized with the system and didn’t want to screw anything up, but some of the first customers I was ringing up were the NICEST people in the world (I hate myself for not getting their names!) After chatting for a bit they figured out I was new and wasn’t from the DC and thus, my story was unravelled. And then, one of them open his wallet, pulled out a $20 and put it in my hand, “this is for your trip. I've always wanted to do what you are doing!" UMMMM, what? I was speechless and probably would have cried if I wasn't afraid of people making fun of me! haha.

A couple hours later, around 3, a man sat at the counter and asked that I take his order. I explained that he should head to the end of the counter (at the end of the very long line) and order there to which he replied, “well what if I don’t want to?” I explained that if that was the case I’d be happy to keep him company while he didn’t have food being prepared. He kinda chuckled. He was pretty far gone and each time a new song came on he gave a loud “wooo” and started grooving on his stool. Finally he flashed me some cash and said, "I promise I’ll pay, I just don’t want to wait in line…take my order." Out of pure annoyance, I complied and little by little I handed him food (don’t tell anyone!) and added it to his tab (and yes, he finally payed!) Like I said, at first I was annoyed but then over the course of the next 45 mins, as he tried all the different sides, he’d pull me over every now and then and say something encouraging (maybe he could tell that I was new and had NO freaking idea what I was doing). Before he walked out he reached across the counter and grabbed my hand…Happy Valentines Day sweetie! (If you’re thinking ewww, creepy- you’re wrong, it was actually one of the sweeter things that happened to me all day!)  Plus, he was gay (I only feel ok sharing that because he told me I could) so I know he wasn’t trying to make a move. We kissed on the cheek and he left.

Who the hell were these 3 guys?!? Valentines day superheros…that’s who!!!

Anyways, as you can see my time at Ooh’s and Aahhs is nearly impossible to capture, but has been full of whimsy moments and holy mischief (as Bob Goff would put it!) God continues to reveal himself to me in the funniest ways...through fried chicken and drunk strangers at 4 in the morning! Man oh man, this God guy...what a hoot!

Damn Hawks...

Those that know me know that 50% of the time I am crying for one reason or another!
Ecstatic and excited..crying! sad and depressed..crying! frustrated or angry...crying! overwhelmed and stressed out...crying! I see an old couple crossing the street holding hands...crying! lol!

It's weird because I usually pride myself on being good with words, articulating how I feel, expressing my emotions and yet the majority of the time I believe the reason I cry is because I don't have words. In one of his songs Ben Harper wrote "only tears speak for my heart" and God, that seems to be my life theme song.

But just because I can name it and understand it, doesn't mean it makes it any less awkward to openly weep in public.

Yesterday morning I woke up not feeling 100% (could be the complete lack of activity from the toe nail incident) and then when I posted up at a Starbucks for the afternoon I kept seeing snap chats, instagrams and facebook status's about the Seahawks parade. I swear EVERY SINGLE person I know that lives in a 50 mile radius of Seattle was at the parade. The combination of feeling physically crummy and emotionally home-sick was too much. So I sat at my computer with tears streaming down my face.

The guy to my right and the women to my left kept staring at me (rightfully so) but jeez...they could have been a little more stealth...and perhaps asked if I was OK!

But its OK because I woke up this morning refreshed and renewed! The home-sickness has vanished for now. But as much as I LOVE the Seahawks there is still resentment bubbling deep down...why did they have to win the super bowl the one year I'm out of town?!? JERKS! (but not you ET, I will still gladly marry you!)

confirmation

Lately I've realized my reliance on and need for confirmation.
I want and need assurance before I move forward with a plan, purchase, experience. Will this fit? Will she show up? Is it gonna be fun?

As I was mulling over it today I thought back to my latest mix up with my airlines as I tried to get back to Nashville for my car.I had booked a flight  but the second leg, from chicago to Nashville, was cancelled. I didn't want to sit at the airport and wait for the next available flight so I started re-booking my trip.

I tried calling the airline (I kid you not) at least 17 times. I wanted to buy a new ticket but I wanted to hear that A. I could be reimbursed for one of my tickets and B. confirm that the cancelled leg was in fact cancelled...maybe even get an ETA on when they thought the next available flight would be.
So what did I do when I couldn't get a hold of the airlines? nothing!
I sat paralyzed...not moving one way or the other. You think that's the safe move (or lack of movement) but there are consequences...like waiting too long and having your plane ticket practically double in price.

I grew more frustrated and more anxious with each passing minute. If someone would just tell me..."YES" or "NO" then I could pick a side and stick to it. I think part of it ownership. If I make the decision and it sucks then I can only blame myself. If someone else tells me what to do and it sucks, it's their fault.

But here's the catch 22...I think often both or all choices that can be made will have an element of 'suck.' There are no answers that are 100% yes. (I've been learning that when you say YES to something you are automatically saying NO to something else...ALWAYS).

So I guess what I want to work on believing and leaning into is that following God doesn't take away the suck, it gives you courage to make a decision, to take ownership, to MOVE! I don't want to be paralyzed by fear or anxiety, but I sure as hell don't want to sit here avoiding it...rackin up plane fairs.

just some visual updates

me and Jay in Philadelphia roaming around the bakery!!!

soaking my toe in New Jersey...

almost comical...(sorry for those with queezy tummies!)

and on the 7th day he created toe nails..and it was dumb!

When I get to Heaven (assuming the best) I'm gonna ask God..."why toe nails?" I'm wondering if God was in a funk the day he created toe nails (probably the same day He created the appendix...and molers) because they all seem completely useless.

Here's why I'm so turned off to toe nails.
So I've been in Arlington, VA for the past week but was getting a little antsy so planned a little excursion North. Of course the night before I was to leave for Philadelphia my right toe really started to hurt. (Keep in mind you my left toe nail is non-exsistent). You could say I have an on-going problem with in-grown nails...and if you said that, you'd be correct. So I did exactly what you're NOT supposed to do and went diggin around for it. After an hour of soaking and prodding, I pulled it out. (well I thought I pulled it out...turns out I missed a little piece). The nail itself wouldn't have been a huge issue except that being a diabetic makes me really prone to infection. So I shouldn't have been surprised that within a few hours my toe was literally purple. That little teeny tiny piece of nail was irritating my goop infected toe and I could not put a single ounce of weight on my foot.

This was the 5th or 6th time this has happened in the last few years so yes, the pain was awful, but more than anything I was just super frustrated. I tried to sleep but that throb kept me wide awake. I'm pretty sure that somewhere between the hours of 3 and 5 I got a solid REM cycle in but then it was back to tossing and turning. At 5:30 I gave up and turned my computer on to watch "How I Met Your Mother.' (On the bright side I was able to finish half a season that morning waiting for a podiatry office to open up). Anyways, I was finally able to see a doc for an 11 o' clock appointment, during which he took off the whole nail. He told me I should get both toes chemically treated so that no nail ever grows back. Here in lies the question (and the insanity of it all)...if I don't need em, why the hell do I have them?!?

Anyways, I got my toe wrapped up and headed to Philadelphia. When I arrived, hobbling in like quasimoto I explained the story to my hosts (who just so happen to pastor a church out here in Pennsylvania)  maybe they have a teaching or scripture that would unpack Jesus's thought process behind toe nails...I sure as hell don't get 'em.